Last updated on September 30th, 2021 at 10:15 am
According to Pew Research Center, in 2012, nearly half (47%) of adults in their 40s and 50s have a parent age 65 or older and are either raising a young child or financially supporting a grown child (age 18 or older). About 1 in 7 middle-aged adults (15%) is providing financial support to both an aging parent and a child. This is the story of one twin mom and her experience with caring for her aging parent.
It’s a typical weekday morning, 6:15am. I go downstairs to start the coffee, let the dog out and get the day started. Just as I flip the switch for my coffee, I hear a thud. I know exactly what it is. It’s my dad’s urinal that he uses overnight so he doesn’t have to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, and it was full, that is until the dog knocked it over. This isn’t the first time and it probably won’t be the last time I’ll have to clean this up. I rush into my dad’s room and immediately try to find a dirty towel to begin cleaning it up. My dad is awake and I try to get him to get up and out of bed because I need to take his comforter that is soaked in urine in the corner because it was hanging half off of the bed and resting on the floor. He doesn’t seem to want to get out of bed, so I find another blanket to cover him with and clean up the mess.
Growing up, I would have never envisioned living in the house I grew up in along with my husband and our 4 daughters AND my elderly, ailing father, but that is my reality. My dad is 74 years old and has had 4 strokes in the past 2 years. My mother passed away 11 years ago. My dad has been in and out of hospitals and physical rehabilitation centers after each stroke. He uses a wheelchair to get around, as his left side is very weak. He could walk with a walker, but he is scared of falling and getting hurt, which has happened a few times. His short-term memory has also been affected, asking the same questions over and over again. He does not like to leave the house…ever. Taking him to the doctor for a check-up is quite a process. I try to schedule his appointments during school hours so I don’t have to drag the kids. I always need another adult to help me get him up and down the front steps and into the car. I usually ask a friend or neighbor for help. By the time we actually get to the doctor’s office, he usually doesn’t want to wait more than 10 minutes. I usually make sure I have nothing else planned for that day, as I’m physically, mentally and emotionally wiped out by the time we get home. That makes two of us.
By the time the kids get downstairs to eat breakfast in the mornings, mass chaos has ensued in the house. Who needs lunch money? Who can’t find clean socks? Where is Emily’s recorder? As this is going on, my dad decides to get out out of bed, into his wheelchair and goes into his TV room. At some point, he calls my name and asks for juice, usually at the same exact time one of the twins just realized she can’t find her library book that she needs to return to school and the bus will be here in 3 minutes! I tell my dad to hang on and ask the other twin to help by getting grandpa some juice while the hunt for the missing book begins. Once the kids leave, my dad has my full attention. I give him his medication and hope he actually takes it. Some days he takes it with no issue, other days, he refuses and says he doesn’t need it, creating quite a bit of unnecessary conflict. Occasionally, he pretends to take it. Then, I either find it on the floor next to his recliner or his home health aid discovers it when she shakes his sheets out and the pills go flying through the air.
After his third stroke, and 2 1/2 years of taking care of him on my own, I broke down and finally hired outside help. It had gotten to the point that my dad flat out refused to get into the shower, change his clothes, or do almost anything for himself. I also made the decision to give up my job to be home and available to my dad more. I found his home health aid through the recommendation of a friend who worked at a local hospital emergency room. She comes three times each week for 2 hours, gets him in the shower, shaves him, does his laundry, makes him a small meal or snack, and cleans his bathroom, bedroom and TV room. These simple chores take a lot off of my back. Due to the fact that my dad has a decent income (nothing crazy, but he does receive Social Security, as well as a pension from working as a Social Worker for New York City), we must pay for his home health aid out of our own pocket, but her help and my sanity is worth every cent.
Sadly, most days my dad sits in his recliner watching TV. He was once a huge history buff and read constantly. It seems that the toll of the strokes have affected his ability to read and comprehend what he is reading, so that has stopped. Up until recently, three of his lifelong friends would come to the house to play bridge once each week. Unfortunately, with his health and memory in decline, the games have also stopped. His mood goes from happy to depressed quickly. Some days he doesn’t want to get out of bed, eat or do anything at all. It’s these days that worry me most. I don’t want to leave the house just to grab a gallon of milk, just in case he needs me, but there are times I must leave him alone. I have four kids who need me to bring them to various sports practices and we have to eat, so I have to go food shopping once in a while!
Obviously, without having to say it, my marriage has been neglected at times due to having to put my dad first. That has been really hard on all of us. Luckily, my husband is very patient and understanding when it comes to my dad, checking on him and helping when I can’t. While life can be crazy in our house with four kids all going in different directions, my dad seems to love having my kids in the house; they bring him joy even when there is a tantrum going on. The kids love living with him, as well. They read to him and make projects at school just for him. Seeing the reality of his health and day-to-day life, they worry about him, too. They tell me when he sneaks a snack he isn’t supposed to have, and at the same time, will give him candy from goody bags from a birthday party.
My dad’s future is uncertain and that worries me. After his first and most minor stroke, he made sure his will and healthcare proxy were in order and made me the Power of Attorney over his finances. At that time, I never thought I would actually ever need this set up, but I’m happy he did it. If you’re living in a similar circumstance, I would highly encourage you to…
Read more of “The Sandwich Generation” in the new Winter 2015 issue of Multiplicity Magazine.
Lauren Oak is a New York mom to four girls— a 20 year old, 8 year old twins, and a 5 year old — plus, they just got a new puppy (a boy to give dad a break!). Lauren has been a part of Twiniversity from the very beginning after having met Natalie Diaz at a New York State Mother of Twins Club meeting. She also really connected with her fellow twin parents after spending 20 days in the NICU with her twins after they were born. Lauren is able to use her caseworker background of helping foster care children in continuing to support multiple birth families across the globe.
