Last updated on September 30th, 2021 at 10:12 am
As parents of twins or higher order multiples, we are in a pressure cooker with our partners. Our house may be a mess, our laundry piles up fast, and perhaps one or two toddlers join us in our bed at night. We are exhausted and living with stressful conditions, not to mention the financial strain that can accompany multiple children. When I start to consider the numerous stress factors outside of my control, I realize owe it to myself, my husband, and my kids to be a model of love and peace in our interactions. This is why I have decided to stop criticizing my spouse.
I write this with humility in recognition that I am not a perfect partner and that I have been married for just under 3 years, so who am I to give relationship advice? I’m a mom of twins who notices that as long as my husband and I try to release the need to criticize each other, our home life is a lot easier and fun, even amidst the laundry, dishes and toilet paper rolled out on the bathroom floor.
What exactly is criticism? It is the act of indicating a person’s faults in a disapproving way. The concept of a fault can be difficult to truly understand. In the context of a committed relationship with two people raising twins, I’ve realized that to me, a “fault” is oftentimes when my husband does an activity differently than I would have done it. And what about the disapproval part of criticism? For me, the disapproval I feel is actually anger. I reject how my husband is doing something and focus on the “fault” to the point that anger emerges, and I expect him to fix my anger for me by changing his behavior, even if it’s how he is sautéing the onions. I mean come on, really — the onions? Since when are the onions the key to my happiness?
My twin boys motivate me to stop criticizing my husband. I understand that our children view our relationship as model for other relationships and for learning how to treat their friends and respect others. I want them to see a model of respect and love in our interactions, not one where one parent is right and the other one is wrong, or one person is at fault for not seeing things in the same exact way as the other. In addition to my marital relationship, the relationship between my husband and our kids is also altered when I am critical about child-rearing activities. Both of us need to develop individual relationships with our boys on our own, without the other looming large. When my sons were babies I would criticize basic things in the moment — like feeding them or changing a diaper — but by criticizing these activities I realized I was intercepting opportunities for him to bond directly with the boys.
Part of the problem with criticism is that I don’t notice when I do it. Criticism is a natural extension of an objective reality, with me at the center of correctness. For example, my version of cooking a meal, changing a diaper, getting a toddler’s pajamas on, or driving on the highway are all the “correct” version. So, when the urge to criticize takes over it’s easy to give in, because it feels like I owe it to myself and the world to express my correctness. And how dare you not agree with me? I am well aware of the fact we don’t live in an objective reality with only one right way to accomplish a task. I am aware of this intellectually, but when it comes down to the feeling of it, it feels natural to tell my partner immediately, letting him know there is a more correct and better way to do it.
As mentioned before, for me oftentimes, there is anger accompanying my urge to criticize. Anger hurts. It is such an unpleasant and painful emotion. For me, criticism is an outlet for anger I am probably already feeling. So I let my anger out as a criticism and when my partner reacts poorly (shocker!) it compounds my anger and frustration. I know that an angry mind is not going to provide me with an accurate or resourceful way to address a problem.
So how do we do it? How do we actually attempt to stop criticizing our partners as a basis for problem solving? And how can we respond when we are criticized? I try to follow three steps of thinking that are inspired by a meditation practice called Lojong that teaches how to transform adverse conditions into beneficial states of mind. It is hard to think through all these of these steps at once, so even choosing one and committing to it can be beneficial.
If I find myself ready to criticize or if I have been criticized (because you know, it happens) here is how I try to make the most of the situation:
1. I ask myself: Am I angry?
If yes, just stop and don’t say anything. To try to get myself to actually stop, I ask myself, “is this the way I would speak to one of my best friends or a co-worker?” I would probably spend more time thinking through how to address a situation in a constructive manner with friends or co-workers, so why not give my husband that same respect? If I feel anger at having been criticized by my spouse, I also just stop and let that feeling sit there, as painful as it can feel. The solutions and actions of my anger in the heat of the moment are not going to end well.
2. I consider how my life and circumstances are precious.
I think about the countless parents around the world who live in unsafe and horrible conditions. I think about how fortunate I am to have a life with a partner who is physically here and able to help. Many people’s partners are deployed in the military, out of town for business, no longer living, or are not in the home for reasons beyond anyone’s control. I am not in those circumstances. I live a life of safety with a partner who loves me. If you are raising multiples and you have a partner, you’ve come to realize the value of all hands on deck, so I step back and recall how fortunate I feel to have our life together.
3. I remember my partner wants to be just as happy just as badly as I want to be happy.
We are both exhausted; me from being alone with two 2.5 year olds for 12 hours straight, and him from commuting to and from an emotionally demanding job in a crowded public transportation system. Do I want a break? Yes! Does he want a break? Yes! Do either of us want someone to sit by, waiting to point out a fault, as if they know everything about being right in the world? Nope. Not one bit. I want to relax and he wants to relax. I want to watch my kids play and have fun, so does he. One of the top ways I stop myself from criticizing, or pointing out perceived faults, is to remember that my partner is working just as hard as I am at wanting to be happy, at wanting to take care of our family.
That said, if I feel angry about something I don’t ignore my anger. I try to find a way to address the problem or object of criticism at a different time. Perhaps the issue at hand isn’t actually that important, or it’s a reoccurring issue that really bothers me, so I take time to think through what I need and how to express that to my partner. Then we talk about it later with clear heads.
While we try not to criticize each other, it still happens. Conflict is normal in any relationship. Figuring out how to transform that conflict into an opportunity for growth has benefitted our relationship. I hope it can serve as a model for our boys as they continue to grow and enter into a variety of relationships in the world. My goal is not to shield my children from conflict or criticism altogether, because that is impossible and unrealistic. As a mom, I seek to teach them how to use conflict in a way that helps them grow, rather than harms them or the person with which they have a conflict.
Melissa Ruopp is a mom to two-year-old twin boys. She mainly works for her children, but also consults for an arts access organization in NYC. She enjoys the unending love and partnership of her husband. She is interested in practicing meditation, exploring the role of arts in learning, and trying to see things from her childrens’ point of view. Click here to read more articles by Melissa on Twiniversity.
