DOWNLOAD THE NEW TWINIVERSITY APP!

The #1 Resource & Support Network for Parents of Twins

The #1 Resource & Support Network for Parents of Twins

Handling the Death of a Loved One With Your Kids

Handling the Death of a Loved One With Your Kids

death

Last updated on November 20th, 2023 at 07:31 pm

Hands down, the roughest day of motherhood yet was the day of my father in-law’s funeral. Three inconsolable little kids in a tiny country church full of people who shared their community with Grandpa for almost 40 years. My husband could hear their sobs through the microphone that was setup to project music, but he was frantically writing his eulogy in the basement. By that time, I was out of things to say that would comfort them; the hurt was done. His death and the week had taken a toll on all of us. First, having to explain that Grandpa was really sick and then having to tell them that he was gone. Looking back I am increasingly thankful for two things that I probably take for granted: family and our children’s bond.

I give my husband all the credit in the world for how he handled the rough time leading up to his father’s passing and the week after. He somehow managed to balance a new job, traveling the hour to and from his hometown to spend time with his family, and still be engaged as a dad. For the first few days after Grandpa’s health greatly declined, we didn’t say anything to kids because, honestly, we didn’t know what to say. New information came with every check in and I don’t think anyone was prepared to lose him so suddenly. This was a first for me, as I felt split in my duties: staying home with the kids to keep things ‘normal’ or dropping them off with family to be there for my husband. Thankfully, on the night he did pass I was there to support my husband and in-laws.

death

Both my husband and I had lost grandparents when we were young. I actually lost all my grandparents before the age of six, roughly the age our twin girls were when this happened. But for the life of us, we could not recall what our parents had said to comfort us or what helped, we just recall the pain and the missing.

We briefly consulted KidsHealth.org, which is a website that helps explain what to say to your child or how they might react when a loved one dies. The information was all very simple, but the execution was nearly impossible. The morning we told our children about their Grandpa, all three had different reactions, despite our girls being identical twins. Once I had explained the finality of Grandpa being ‘gone’ and it had time to sink in, Ruthie lost it. Her reaction didn’t surprise me, as both our girls are, what I would call, bleeding hearts; very sensitive to the feelings of others. My mom took her out on the front porch to impart some wisdom only a grandmother could; telling her Grandpa was in the clouds watching over all of us. Our other daughter, Eva, kept asking questions, almost as if this was a prank. We answered as best we could, but it just sank in how little they were and what a grown up thing we were asking them to understand. Our son, Abe, who had just turned four, didn’t seem to get it. He was very sympathetic, especially to his Daddy, but didn’t really have much to say after that.

death

After worrying all week about the lasting effects of this major life event, it was the day of the funeral services I saw all three of our kids bond together and conquer it together. Half way through the services it dawned on me to let our sobbing twins sit together. The twin bond did not fail as they put their heads together and quietly comforted each other. Across my lap was one twinnie hand holding their brothers hand while he sat plastered to his dad’s side. Upon arriving at the church with just his mom and sisters, my son was very unsettled until he saw his daddy. Then he kept asking for Grandpa, half expecting him to walk through the doors of the church. We got many compliments that day about how well behaved our kids were or how brave they are. We always liked hearing those kind words, it mattered more to us as parents that healing had started. It didn’t seem to matter that we didn’t have all the magical fixes.

It has only been a few months since Grandpa has been gone and some days are rough. Some days Abe shares a memory he has with Grandpa and it makes my husband cry. The girls still find clouds in the sky and wave. This year of ‘firsts’ without him will be difficult, but we just remind our kids that everything they’re feeling is OK and they’re not alone. I am reminded that through all the hurtful things life might throw at our kids, they’ll have each other through it all.

Leah Bryant

Leah Bryant is a stay at home mom of three, identical twin girls and a son. She is a proud Kansas native (insert favorite Toto quote here) and currently resides in the Kansas City metro area. Besides being constantly surprised by the wonders of raising twins and caring for her family, Leah’s hobbies include cooking/baking, gardening, reading actual grown up books along with Dr. Suess, and cheering on her favorite home-grown sports teams. Leah also meets the challenge of keeping up with Sonny, the newest member of the family. He is an American Eskimo dog the family adopted after he was rescued from a puppy mill.


Related Articles


Are You a New Twin Parent?

Check out Natalie Diaz’s book:
What To Do When You’re Having Two
The Twin Survival Guide From Pregnancy Through the First Year

what to do when you're having two book

In What to Do When You’re Having Two: The Twins Survival Guide from Pregnancy Through the First Year, national twins guru and founder of Twiniversity (and twin mom herself!) Natalie Diaz provides a no-holds-barred resource about life with twins, from pregnancy and birth all the way through your duo’s first year of life.

Accessible and informative, What to Do When You’re Having Two
 is the must-have manual for all parents of twins.


Handling the Death of a Loved One With Your Kids

Have you taken your expecting twins class yet? We offer a great class on demand so you can take it on your own schedule! There are so many video modules covering everything from your twins’ baby registry to your first week at home with twins! Sign up today to get started before your twins arrive.


Twiniversity memberships

Need some twin parent friends? Get the support you need with a Twiniversity Membership. Benefits include a monthly twin parent club meeting on Zoom, access to a private Facebook group just for twin parents, and a video library of twin parenting lessons. Visit Twiniversity.com/membership to join today!


Twiniversity

Twiniversity is the #1 source for parents of
multiples, and we are growing faster every day!

Find us all over the web:

Or contact us by email at community@twiniversity.com

Subscribe to Our Mailing List


/ /

Staying Informed

Recent Posts

The Unexpected Isolation: Twin Mom Struggles
What I Regret about My First Double Stroller
A Day in Life with 5 Year Old Twins
The Top Ten Twinfant Parenting Struggles
Kids and Car Sickness