The Resentment of Being A Military Wife

Last updated on August 13th, 2023 at 10:24 am

For the past five years, I’ve been honored to call myself a military wife. Before my husband and I were married, a few individuals warned me that there will be challenges. Being young and in love, I brushed off their words and dove all into the military world. It wasn’t until a few years of military life, a few deployments later and becoming a mother did I become face to face with my demon named resentment. My demon became a part of daily life, especially after the twins were born. I’m not saying that I’ve been able to kick this demon to the curb; it’s a constant battle of mine. I feel like this is an important discussion to have openly and my hope is that one other person will not consider themselves as abnormal for experiencing these feelings.

Mother’s Day 2017 was my first “holiday” as a twin parent plus a singleton. My twins were a month old, I was in the thick of newborn exhaustion, and my husband was gone on a trip. After three hours of sleep, no shower, no real meal in two days, my husband calls me from Orlando. He was relaxing by the pool, drinking some type of cocktail and experienced a full night of sleep since the twins were born. Instead of feeling happiness for him, I was absolutely enraged. How dare he get to relax on Mother’s Day!? How dare he get a break from reality?! My demon named resentment was back and stronger than ever!

To understand resentment, I looked to dictionary.com to find a definition, which writes “the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc. regarded as causing injury or insult.” This was definitely how I was feeling towards my husband the majority of the time and I started to feel towards my children. As a military spouse, you are responsible for running your home 24/7 because of your spouse’s traveling, busy work hours and realizing they are always on the clock. After the twins arrived, the 24/7 of motherhood and wife filled my cup rapidly to the point where I had nothing left to give. By the end of the day, my cup maybe had a drop left for myself and at that point all I wanted to do was sleep.

My resentment continued to grow by the day and every mission my husband went on, I felt myself drowning in the feelings that come with resentment like anger, loneliness, and jealousy. I repressed my feelings, hid them from my husband, and at my lowest point, thought maybe we should get a divorce. At least I would have a break from the kids and could start to find an identity again. My demon was winning and thankfully my support system and my husband grabbed me by the hand and forced me to face this problem.

After months of hiding my feelings, I finally had time to sit with my husband and share every single detail of what I had been hiding. Very tearful, I shared the resentment openly and acknowledged my feelings out loud. My husband responded in a loving way, full of support and we began to work together on ways for me to tackle the resentment. I also became more open to my close friends and my church group about my problem with resentment. Every single one of them, especially other military spouses normalized my feelings. A weight was lifted.

The most important factor I’ve learned while battling resentment is just how essential self-care is. Mothers of multiples face unique challenges and stressors, so in order to survive, we need devoted time to ourselves. We deserve it. Since the twins have been born, I haven’t put much thought into self-care. Honestly, I am still learning how to self-care and ways to find the time with a spouse who travels. When I’m feeling overwhelmed or the resentment is in full swing, I tell him. Together we have found ways to help elevate the resentment for example; we put money to the side for babysitters to help me or to take over so I can leave the house for two hours. Our family found a gym whose membership includes two hours of babysitting. I take a class alone or with my husband or go sit in a hot tub and stare at the wall. I found a faith-based organization that offers a study and a Moms of Preschoolers program, where I’m child free for two hours and get breakfast and time to be with other adult women.

These mom groups have provided not only friendship, but have provided teachings on how to cope with resentment and motherhood. One of my “mentor moms” has been teaching me humility, for example, “I get to do this” vs “I have to…” I actually found another military spouse, who was pregnant with twins and had a singleton the same time I was, delivered her twins the day after me. For the first time in months, I didn’t feel so alone.

In closing, I want you all to know that battling resentment is something I work on daily. Some days are better than others but I’m thankful for the journey my demon has taken me on because in the end, my marriage is stronger, my thought process is continually changing for the better and I’ve taken baby steps in giving myself grace.

Megan Cannone is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, who currently is a stay at home mom to a three year old boy and one year old boy/girl twins and a dog. She married her love at first sight, Anthony, who is a pilot in the Air Force and her hobbies include exercising, happy hours with friends, participating in church activities and supporting dog rescues. Follow her on on Instagram.

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