Y’all. I was THE authority on children and parenting. I had a degree! I was smart! I had no kids! I had…. wait, what? I judged parents, and I wasn’t a parent? Yes, yes I did. But guess what humbles a know-it-all like me? Kids. And twins. Kids and twins. Nothing like a child screaming in the middle of Church, “But Mommyyyyyyy! My peeeeeenis!” that erases a woman’s most ideal of expectations regarding how her life will look as a parent. But, we mothers of multiples are survivors. We stare straight into the eyes of the most fearsome creatures with courage on a daily basis. And we survive by dealing with it in ways that would make our pre-kid-selves gasp in horror… and some of it is NOT pretty. Here are my 10 twin mom confessions you probably understand but hate to admit.
1. I get very aggravated when someone asks me how my twins were conceived. Do they realize they’re asking me about my sex life and ovarian function when they ask that? I always want to say, “Yes, my twins came about the old-fashioned way, thank you so much for asking! And how are your ovaries?” I don’t show that it bothers me, but it does. It bothers me because it’s rude.
2. Twin moms are busy, folks. I have a full-time career, and I will tell you that on most any day I haven’t combed my hair. I do put on makeup, because I’m vain like that, but I am taking FULL advantage of the fact that “undone” hair is what’s in right now.
3. Speaking of work, I love working. I need that time away from my kids. That separation is vital for me in order to better appreciate the time I have with my children.
4. I am WAY too reliant on my phone. I would feel naked without it. If I’m at work, my phone is my lifeline to my calendar and schedules. If I’m at home, there is often one or more children who want to be held and rocked. I love that time with them, but I do not love watching Peppa Pig. So, Facebook. Pinterest. Email. You get the idea.
5. Did I say I’m tired? Because I’m exhausted. All the ti………. wait, what? Sorry about that. It wasn’t you, it’s me. I’m tired, y’all. I relish most any chance to be by myself and not running around, because that’s rare. I love laser hair removal (it saves serious time). Basically, you have a stranger zapping your underarms and lady parts with hot beams of light, and it feels like you’re getting rubber bands snapped all over you. I don’t even care. It’s an opportunity to lie down, so I’ll take it.
6. Along with the lack of sleep comes a serious disruption to what some call “having a train of thought.” My train is off the rails, guys, and I’m just praying nobody gets hurt. One day, I came to work… without a shirt. Not kidding. It was winter, I was feeding the babies, and I realized that I needed to take something out to the car, or I’d forget it. I put on my heavy coat over my bra, took the item out to the car, came back in, started the dishwasher, grabbed my lunch, and left. It wasn’t until I unzipped my coat at my desk that I realized that I never put a shirt on. A quick trip to the store fixed that potential embarrassment.
7. Yes, I have multiples. Yes, I have a lot of kids. NOOOOO, please do not think that means that I want to do every extracurricular activity that involves children. I love my children. I do not love all children all the time. This mama needs a break! Please do not assume that because I am a human jungle gym when you see the twins climbing on me at the park/church/restaurant/store, that I would be perfect for volunteering to run the petting zoo at the fundraising carnival, or babysitting your toddler for the day while you shop, because, “What’s one more?” No! It is not wise to expect me to be responsible for keeping more things safe and alive. That includes plants, pets, and other people’s children. In fact, does anyone want to watch mine? Because that would be great if I could go to the store, or you know, the bathroom, by myself.
8. I am weak. Sometimes, chocolate gives me strength. But, I do not share. Chocolate doesn’t even have to be the good stuff, either. If the kids are still awake, I’ll slum it in the pantry with chocolate I buy at the gas station, and I’m not even ashamed.
9. While I’m at the gas station getting chocolate (and gas… I don’t just go to get chocolate… I do have standards, y’all), I clean out the car of the TONS of artwork that the twins and their siblings make. If I don’t throw it away at the gas station, the twins will drag it out of the trash that we forgot to lock up, or one of the big boys will find it. This is brilliance on my part. Except the time that my oldest child, 7, saw me throw away his picture. When I got back in the car, he asked, “Mom? Why did you throw away that picture I colored?” He was hurt. I got out in the rain and dug his picture out of the gas station trash can. I’m a serious germaphobe too, so you know that I had to power through that grossness.
10. I try so hard. I had another twin mom once ask me, “How are you so put together, and I’m a hot mess all the time?” Smoke and mirrors, folks. Coffee, concealer, a decent wardrobe, and a LOT of support from family helps. Oh, and as hard as I try to reign it in, I curse. Quite a bit. My husband isn’t a fan, and I don’t like it either. Most people don’t know I curse as much as I do. You know the expressions, “Curse like a sailor” and “Curse like a trooper”? Well, my dad was both, so I get it honestly. Besides, I just found out I’m allergic to wine. I’m a twin mom who’s ALLERGIC TO WINE. Well, $@&#!.
Bonus twin mom confession: Yesterday, a stranger asked me if I had the chance to do it all over again, would I be a twin mom. (What the h-ll kind of question is that, anyway?) But, the answer is YES!!! I love it. The craziness of it all… I love it so much.
There are so many reasons that twin moms feel guilt. But, we’re always doing the best we can. We survive, and in the meantime, we love our kids more than we could ever have imagined. Two times the work or more, but we just get stronger. But sometimes, it never hurts to have a couple of secrets in your back pocket.
Stacey Bibb lives in the St. Louis area with her husband Ryan, their 7yr old son Philip, their 4yr old son Jack, and 18-month-old boy/girl twins Conor and Jorie. She works as a psychological examiner, and she and her husband run a funeral home! She loves traveling, sports, survival, and Starbucks. She is especially excited on days that she manages to arrive at work with her hair done and an outfit that actually coordinates.