How Can I Keep the Frustration Down in My Marriage After Twins?

frustration

A MoM recently asked:

Did you find that your significant other became exponentially more irritating after the birth of your twins? Any tips or advice to help keep the frustration down?

Here’s what our Twiniversity fans had to say:

– It’s hard once the babies are born. You expect him to have the same instincts you do. When you realize it doesn’t come naturally for him, it gets easier. He has to learn how to do what you already know how to do. Once he figures it out, things get easier and better. You had children with him for a reason, so be patient while you’re both adjusting. ∼ AW

– It’s not just with twins, it’s normal for any new parents. Hormones, anxiety and sleep deprivation will test any person. Hold on tight and try to give and accept forgiveness with each other. Remember that there is one other person on this earth who loves your babies as much as you do…and they are in the thick of it with you. ∼ AM

– Our first 1 1/2 yrs were rough. We, in the 8 yrs of marriage prior to twins, got into maybe a few big fights otherwise we had discussions. After our twins were born I felt like our marriage had developed some serious cracks. We were fighting quite a bit. We had to work hard to turn it around. Looking back, now that our boys are 3 1/2. Much of our problems were a result of sleep deprivation and poor communication. We’re rock solid now but it wasn’t easy initially to dig ourselves out of the hole we found ourselves in. Lots of heartfelt conversations helped tremendously. I agree with everyone else in the fact that having multiples is a huge deal and working as a team is extremely important. For my husband and I, we worked so hard on the team aspect of parenting and neglected our relationship. Hugs to you all that are in the thick of it. Once your hormones settle down and sleep returns it gets easier and honestly, though it seems some days last an eternity, time flies by. Patience, kindness, grace all help and sometimes agreeing to disagree help too. ∼ MC

frustration

– YES! Mostly because I’m the one who stays home with them. I know their cries, the schedule and because they are changing all the time he feels like he just messes it up when he tries to help.  Even now when they are almost 16 months old it’s annoying but I just kind of give him the run new run down every weekend (he works Monday-Friday out of town). ∼ MK

– Besides the exhaustion, I noticed these feelings lasted longer than the sleepless nights did. These feelings were some indicators to my OB I had some postpartum depression/anxiety. I started some counseling, which helped see the situations from the outside and helped with communication. I also started a very low dose medication. ∼ BB

– It is unbelievably exhausting, and honestly just feels like survival mode right now. Work together and use this to grow stronger, because it really is a choice to stay together and not grow apart. ∼ LB

– My kid’s father and I split up when the twins were 2 months old (we were already apart during pregnancy, however, decided to co-parent and possible re-dating). Lasted until the twins were two months and he left again. He has yet to return and they just turned 4 years old. ∼ MC

– The best advice I got is to walk away and let him figure stuff out. No one wants to be micromanaged and my anxiety was off the charts postpartum. Once you realize that his instincts are not the same as yours, it gets easier. Deep breaths. ∼ KL

– My wife would take pictures of me sleeping and her feeding the babies and then ask me how I slept. If I ever said I slept badly she would show me pictures of what she was doing in the middle of the night and what I was doing. I learned to not complain about being tired if she looked exhausted. Shortly after our twins turned 3 I was transferred at work and now only am home about 6 days a month. Sometimes when I ask about her day she says she’s hopeful for an alien abduction. Now she uses more humor to express her frustration when the kids (4 of them) are working on her last nerve. ∼ KR

frustration

– Just do your best to communicate and be honest with each other. I definitely snap at my husband way more than I ever did before our twins were born. We both recognized that both of us needed to communicate better. A lot of the time we were saying the same thing but just not communicating it in the right way. You also have to recognize that everyone has their own way of dealing with the twins. The way I do things works for me but may not work for him. In the end, as long as your babies are loved and cared for there is no “right way”! It can also be difficult because you want to take over when the babies are fussy and you have an idea of what to do. Try to hold off. Put yourself in his shoes a bit. That helped me tremendously. Also remember that as much as you love your children, your significant other and you are the foundation of the family and that relationship is super important. ∼ KA

– This was so hard because hormones definitely didn’t help my mood. We did, however, have a rule that “anything said between midnight and 6 am didn’t count.” I also had to let go of how I do things. It’s ok if my spouse does things his way. That was really tough for me. ∼ BL

– We are now on a path that may lead to divorce. It has gotten a little better three years in, but it’s still bumpy. I had to lower my expectations a lot and realized my husband is just not a fast thinker, as an example, so I compensate for that. ∼ JC

– I suppose it depends on how helpful they are. I felt grateful I had help and pondered how hard it would be to be a single mom or have a partner absent. It’s all about survival in those early years so. If someone wasn’t pitching in I imagine I would have grown very resentful. ∼ MW

frustration

– There was definitely a lot of frustration and it wasn’t just with the twins, it also happened with my firstborn singleton. Communication is key. Your partner isn’t a mind reader and you have to talk it out before it escalates to a point that it becomes unable to repair. ∼ JB

– It’s hard for everyone! I love him so much, and when the kids are all grown up with their own lives it will be just the two of us again. ∼ NBK

– Yep, I had to medicate myself. My poor husband was always getting an attitude from me, and he actually was the absolute best. Twins are rough. ∼ SH

– Yep, it definitely changed big time! ∼ DM


Related Articles

5 Tips to a Happy Marriage with Twins

Going Through A Divorce with Twins

Doing It Solo: A Single Parent of Twins Story


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The rate of twin births has risen 79 percent over the last three decades, and continues to increase. A mom of fraternal twins and a national guru on having two, Natalie Diaz launched Twiniversity, a supportive website with advice from the twin-trenches.

What to Do When You’re Having Two is the definitive how-to guide to parenting twins, covering how to make a Birth Plan checklist, sticking to one sleep schedule, managing double-duty breastfeeding, stocking up on all the necessary gear, building one-on-one relationships with each child, and more.

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