Are your twins getting ready to apply to college? Here are 5 helpful tips for how you can provide them with the just-right amount support, from a mom of twins and former AP English and admission essay coach!
If your twins are nearing the end of their high school journey, you may be wondering how you can best support them in the process of applying to college without completely driving them (and yourself) mad.
Maybe you’ve just started the process and it’s not off to a great start. Maybe you’ve even ended conversations in screaming matches or passive aggressive behaviors.
Or maybe you’re trying to get a head start and want to ensure that you are taking proactive measures to be the best support team possible.
Either way, here are some key tips to keep in mind as you support your twins with their applications in a way that best supports them (and you).
Tip 1: Approach conversations with curiosity instead of assumptions
While you likely know your twins very well at this point, it’s important to remember to enter these big college conversations with an open mind. As parents, we sometimes let our brains worry and think the worst from a place of care and concern. But don’t want to let our own fears or negative assumptions about their progress with college applications make them feel more pressure than they likely already feel.
As a former high school teacher, I know all too well that the teen you spend time with at home is not always the same teen that shows up at school (for better or worse). And I’ve also heard every complaint in the book about applying to college and about how junior and senior students feel about their parents’ support (or lack of it).
It may be tempting (or even second nature) to begin a conversation by telling them what to do: “You really need to start your college applications soon.” The underlying assumption here is that they aren’t capable enough or knowledgeable enough to know this on their own. This is a sure-fire way to tick them off and maybe even have them shut down on the matter completely.
Instead, opt for curiosity: “How are your college applications going? Do you need any support?” By asking these judgment-free questions, you communicate with them that you know they are capable of this daunting task and that you care enough to ask and offer your support.
While this still may not 100% guarantee an engaging (or even polite) response (depending on your relationship with your child and let’s face it, teenagers can be cranky), it is much more likely to result in a positive conversation than an assumptions-based approach would.
Tip 2: Offer support, not mandates
This can be a hard one for us as parents. Make it clear to your twins that you are there to help them in whatever capacity you can. However, we have to remind ourselves that there’s a fine line between being supportive and being pushy.
While you may have an ideal vision for your twins’ future, their decision to go to college (and where they decide to go) is ultimately their decision.
As parents, of course we want the best for our twins.
But we also don’t want them to feel pressured into making a choice based on our values and not theirs. I’ve known countless dear friends and former students who made college choices based on what they thought others wanted only to transfer or drop out a semester later.
While this could happen with a college of their choice, at least the decision was theirs and they learned the lesson on their own terms.
Absolutely, there will be some logistical factors for your family that may influence that choice. But they are an adult now (or will be soon), and it’s important we allow them the space and trust to start making these big decisions for themselves.
If you have gone through college yourself, then you likely remember how stressful the process was. However, it’s important to keep in mind that times have changed rapidly in the past few decades. We live in a different world now than we did twenty years ago or than we did pre-COVID. The cost of post-secondary education has increased dramatically over the last decade, and the job market has completely transformed.
If you want to be involved and included in your twins’ college decision, then your best bet is to let them know you are there to help without aggressively inserting your opinion. If they ask for your opinion, then by all means tell them what you think!
Tip 3: Be a good listener
This one goes hand in hand with offering support; however, it’s equally as important to really devote your full attention to your twins when they are talking through this big decision with you.
If you are feeling stressed about the college application process, just imagine how your twins are feeling as they juggle all their usual responsibilities with navigating the scary waters of post-secondary opportunities. After all, they are taking a huge step for their future, and that’s a big deal. They may already feel like they are behind in the process in comparison to their classmates.
When I taught high school juniors and seniors, I remember many of them feeling as though the application process was like having a part-time job. And some of them already have part-time jobs or extracurriculars that take up a significant amount of their time!
That said, if they come to you for advice or help, be all-in with them in that moment (and if you can’t be all-in at that moment, decide on another time that would work for both of you). Validate their feelings, and be transparent about your own feelings.
Be sure to listen for not only what they do share with you but also what they don’t share with you. Observe their body language and their facial expressions.
The typical teenager is often not actually looking for a solution at the moment; rather, they just want their feelings of frustration and apprehension to be acknowledged. This is where my first piece of advice comes into play again. Instead of trying to give them solutions, ask them questions to help them work through their feelings and their thought process without judgment.
Tip 4: Provide them with helpful resources
One action you can take without being overly pushy is being on the ready to provide resources. If you have been listening closely to your child, maybe you already have a good idea of what resources would be useful to them.
If the financial aspect of college is stressing you and your child out, find some resources on scholarship opportunities (which there or so many of by the way). Be a resource for them yourself when they need to fill out their FAFSA form.
If they are indecisive about their choices, offer to take them on campus tours so that they can see the schools in person. If your schedule doesn’t allow for this, see if someone in your family or close circle would be able to step in to help. In some cases, schools or local community groups offer opportunities for campus tours or they have campus representatives come to the school for students to be able to meet with.
Even if you get the sense that your twins don’t need help with resources at the moment, it’s helpful for them to know you’re there to support them with locating them when the time comes. See below for one helpful free resource from one twin parent to another!
Tip 5: Be real with them without dismissing their goals/dreams
My last nugget of wisdom is to be real with your child. Though you’ll want to be tactful with their potential sensitivity, be honest and open.
Have a conversation about your family’s financial situation and how much, if any, you may be willing to contribute to their education. And if that number is zero dollars, that is totally fine!! We are living in a time of unprecedented expenses. But be up front with them about that from the beginning so that they can make the most informed choice possible. You’re already well-versed in this, but two at once means double the application fees too. Do your research to see if your twins qualify for their application fees being waived, and encourage them to apply for scholarships!
If and when your twins ask for your input on their school(s) of choice, be honest about your thoughts and concerns, but make it clear that you will respect their decision and that you just want them to be happy.
The road to readying your twins for life after high school is not an easy one, but you’re almost on the other side, so hang in there. You got this.
Want to read more college-related articles for twin parents? Check these out too:
- The Twin Parents’ Guide to College Admissions
- Plan for Your Children’s College Fund with a 529
- It’s Never Too Early to Start Saving for College
