13 Honest Struggles of Being a Twin Father

Being a twin father is a truly special and challenging path with lots of unique joys and challenges. Inside this article, twin dads share their honest insights about the struggles of twin fatherhood. 

We recently asked our twin parent community:

What are the biggest struggles for you as a twin father?

Here are their responses compiled into some of the major struggles of twin fatherhood:

1. Feeling on the outside during the pregnancy and arrival of the twins

“Twin moms get that 9 months to physically feel attached to and bond with the babies. But from my perspective as a dad, it felt like: “l can deal with the two babies thing when they get here.” Then they got here, and it was like, “WHOA! Okay, yeah…two babies. I’m not sure there was more I could have done to mentally and emotionally prepare for the reality, but I will say that it hit very hard after their delivery and official arrival.” – A twin dad 

“My husband had a really hard time with feeling like he couldn’t /wasn’t doing enough to help me during the pregnancy. He took care of literally everything so that I could rest. But he still felt helpless when it came to how much pain & discomfort I was in while pregnant. He said that he wished he could help carry the babies so that I wasn’t having such a hard time.

When I was in and out of antenatal care due to threatened pre-term labour, he had to go to work to make money, manage everything in the house, come visit me in the hospital, and sit at home alone with how scared he was (he couldn’t stay with me in the hospital). Since I was the one carrying the babies, he once again felt so helpless.” — Twin mom on behalf of her husband

2. Getting comfortable being left alone with the babies

“The first time being left alone with both babies (especially since they both had feeding tubes and increased medical needs) was scary to say the least. Again, I don’t think there’s necessarily any way around that fear, but it definitely sticks out as one of the most challenging moments of twin fatherhood.” – A twin father

3. You are the last in the pecking order

“You are last on the priorities list. This seems like a complaint on the surface, but I promise it’s not! Being a twin dad to me means helping everyone else first, then helping myself. The babies have their needs and so does my wife (their mother), and I’m okay with putting their needs first. I know this is backwards from the “put your oxygen mask on first” advice, but at least in those early days, that’s the way it was. Those challenging, sleep-deprived early days don’t last forever, thankfully.” – A twin dad

“Allowing time for your partner to get a break (because let’s be real, the moms pull the weight).” – A twin father

4. Balancing time among the twins (and other siblings)

“It’s not 50/50, it’s 100/100. This is the biggest twin myth in my opinion. Many folks have this concept in their head that because you have two at once, you get things done at the same time. That’s not the case (at least not in my experience). You have to give your 100% to one twin and then turn around and give your 100% to the other. This becomes very tricky because you can’ be in two places at the same time. And you can’t create more energy and time out of thin air. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean you can’t get creative!” – A twin dad

“Sharing time to make sure each feels like they get equal attention and doing activities they both will enjoy.” – A twin dad

“I’d say the most difficult part is trying to maintain balance; not just between my time with each twin but with their older sibling as well. Because they engage in different activities that require different amounts of time, I find myself spending lopsided time periods with one or two of the three at a time and I don’t want any of them to feel like they don’t get an equal amount of my time and attention.” – A twin father

5. The learning curve of twin parenting and parenting in general

“Always buying multiples of things or keeping gifts equal to avoid fights or jealousy, allowing them to have fun but not destroy the house/keep their messes within reason, disciplining but making it teachable and not just for the sake of yelling ‘No.’” — A twin father

6. The bodily functions of the newborn days

“Double colic featuring reflux & insta-spits!” — A twin father

7. Having to split up parenting tasks all the time

“My husband always says it feels like we are single parents because each of us always has a toddler to tend to. In a singlton situation your partner can help you but with twins each person has a kid to tend to. I think he also experiences paternal depression because it’s hard being a bread winner and coming home to tend to the kids because the reality of it is I can do everything I’m supposed to and still not have everything done. We have three children and no village. so it’s always chaotic and loud and the chores are never ending. He is such an engaged dad and doesn’t complain but I know it’s hard for him too.” 

“We also agree with what everyone else said. It’s not team work. It’s a tag team situation. I feel like we can’t parent together as one would with a Singleton as we are either taking shifts or one on one.” — A twin mom on behalf of her husband

8. Never enough energy or sleep

“Maintaining energy levels all day without overdosing on caffeine.” — A twin father

9. Feeling less wanted by the twins in the early days

“That when the boys are hurt or sad they want only me. It makes him feel less of a Dad. They are very vocal about it. His sister tells him their son went through it, too. I explained it will change when they are older and they will want him and not me. He says it’s not the same.” — A twin mom on behalf of her husband

10. Seeing your wife (or parenting partner) struggle

“Honestly for my husband I think his biggest struggle is the mentality of knowing I’m struggling. I’m not even sure if that makes sense. But like he knows how much I’m struggling being home with the twins (and our oldest) and there just really isn’t a way for him to truly give me a break. He does what he can, but one of the twins is really attached to me so he can take the other no problem, but that doesn’t really give me the breath I need.” – A twin mom on behalf of her husband

“Same with my emotional overload. I work full-time as a nurse and he works from home mostly. So I am burnt out with no breaks, and he feels helpless.” – A twin mom on behalf of her husband

11. The extra financial stressors

“Financial struggles. I also work full time and I know it bothers him that he can’t support his family 100%.” — A twin mom on behalf of her husband

12. The mental load of feeling like no matter how much you do, it’s not enough / lack of recognition of postpartum depression and anxiety for dads

“It’s an “if it’s not one kid, it’s another” situation. The fact that I’m never “in the mood” because if it’s not one kid fussing, it’s another. Feeling like he’s just never enough. Not being able to give love to everyone in the household equally. He constantly feels like he’s being pulled between kids and me. Trying to support me as his wife but also giving enough attention to each kid.” – A twin mom on behalf of her husband

“My husband felt very unsure about if he was doing enough to help me after my c-section. My mom stayed with us and helped a lot with my recovery & he got a lot of help from that too because he could rest and spend time with me while my mom took care of feeding us and keeping our house clean.

When the babies came home, my husband refused to let me do night feeds alone. I insisted & after 2 nights, I began hallucinating from the lack of sleep. After that, my husband took on the responsibility of one of the twins overnight so that I could get a little bit of sleep in between the night feeds. He did this and still went to work full time.

(cont.)…

Now that the babies are mostly sleeping through the night, we are both getting more sleep & my husband is able to be more present and engaged at work.

He still really struggles with not being home during the day with the girls. He has a really hard time when he misses big changes with the girls. I do my best to record things like their first time sitting independently or the first time the twins noticed each other, but nothing replaces being there in the moment and witnessing it.

Another big struggle has been how lonely we both feel because the babies come before everything else. And because of a hard pregnancy and birth trauma, we have not been intimate since we conceived the twins.

Lately, my husband has been working on doing solo excursions with the babies so that he can bond with them & give me a bit of a break. Because he has had to work full time to support us, he’s not as confident in caring for the girls on his own-this has been really hard for him because he feels like he’s missing out on developing his own unique bond with them. He also wants to ensure that neither of us becomes the default parent.

My husband has been in therapy lately and has joined a lot of online dad groups. Something he’s noticed is that there is quite a big gap in understanding and services for dad’s who experience postpartum depression/anxiety/trauma. This is especially true as he is a more involved father & he doesn’t see housework as something that is a woman’s job. Because of this, he finds that people aren’t as ready to check in on him or they aren’t as understanding of his experience as a new dad—this is because so many of the older dads he knows/is around have very different experiences (they parent the old school way & weren’t ever as involved in caring for their children or as involved in doing work in the household—many of their wives did everything on their own).” — A twin mom on behalf of her husband

13. The NICU days

“When the babies were born, he went into the adjoining room with the NICU team & had to hear and see the babies being given breathing & feeding tubes, get IVs, and see them squirm and scream at the invasive procedures. When the babies were in the NICU, my husband (who is normally so confident and phenomenal with babies) was anxious and scared all the time when doing skin to skin & doing their care work. Seeing the babies so tiny and covered in tubes and wires scared him & he was terrified that he would hurt them. These fears stayed with him throughout the NICU stay and was very traumatic for him & contributed to postpartum depression and anxiety for him. For months after the babies came home, every time they cried, he had flashbacks to being in the room with the NICU team & he would freeze and panic.” — Twin mom on behalf of her husband

“I had no paternity leave aside from taking my standard 2 weeks vacation for the year (not helpful when our twins arrived in February). So I spent the first month of their life working remotely from the cafeteria of the Children’s Hospital where they had a 3-month NICU stay.” – twin dad

We also recently asked our twin parent community:

What are some things twin dads did in the early years that made a big difference for your family?

And here’s what twin parents said…

“My husband only got 1 month paid paternity leave. So he took another month vacation, and another month unpaid so we could spend the first 3 months together bonding with our babies and helping me recover. As such, our girls are equally bonded to both of us.” — Brandi

“Two babies meant that it was always an all hands on deck situation. When other moms would talk about how their partners didn’t do or know certain things I would just say “I can’t relate” because he knew what I knew and was doing what I was doing.” — Stephanie

“He was always present and hands on. In the first months, he rotated nighttime feedings (every 3 hrs…) with me so we both got 6ish hours of sleep in a stretch. He watched the boys and had me get out of the house alone or with friends. Those were huge.” — Nicole

“My husband managed to stack a few different types of leave (paternity, annual, carers, etc) to get the first three months off work to be at home. He got up and supported at every overnight feed so we did it together. 12 months on now and he is incredibly hands on with all aspects of parenting and managing the house.” — Alex

Want to read more articles related to twin fathers? Check out these too:

• How Dads Can Get Ready for Twins
• The Twin Dad Survival Guide
• New Dad Outnumbered: How I Started My Own Twin Dad Club

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