Struggles of Being the Default Parent With Twins + How to Make it Better

Being the “default parent” is challenging, but if you’re the default parent with twins, those challenges feel all the more overwhelming. Here’s what twin parents have to say about being the default parent as well as tips for how to move forward. 

Twin parenting: equal parts special and overwhelming. 

When you’re tight-rope walking a delicate schedule for two needy little humans and managing double the cries, double the diapers, and double the feeds, it’s easy to feel burned out. 

But when you’re the go-to person “in charge” of this chaos, burnout is an understatement. 

Inside this article, we’ll take a look at the realities of being the default parent with twins as well as some actionable steps you can take to feel more empowered in your twin parenting dynamic. 

What is the default parent?

The term “default parent” is a contemporary term that refers to the parent who acts as the first responder for the majority of the responsibilities involved with child-rearing. 

Think: the one whom the child wakes up first in the middle of the night, the one they go to first for a snack or a hug, etc. 

While every twin family and domestic relationship looks unique, the mental and emotional load of default parenting tends to most often fall on mothers—or the partner taking on more of the primary care and home-related responsibilities. 

The default parent may struggle with: 

• Burnout
• Fatigue
• Resentment
• Feeling alone
• Mental health struggles
• A decline in personal care
• Relationship/marriage challenges
• Unrealistic expectations for what being “at capacity” looks like (this goes for how they perceive what their capacity is as well as what their children and parenting partner perceive it to be)

Here’s a glimpse at how twin parents who identify as the “default parent” have to say about their experience:

We recently asked our twin parent community…

What’s the hardest part about being the “default” parent as a twin parent? What do you wish your parenting partner would understand?

And here’s what they had to say…

“Everything…EVERYTHING, even the unexpected, has been thought about meticulously. That’s why I can pivot and he can’t. Nothing is done by accident.” – Brandy

“The mental load. Keeping track of two babies’ schedules, feedings, sleep, diapers, appointments — while also trying to meet the needs of my other kids. It’s the constant planning and anticipating that can feel exhausting. I wish my partner understood that even when I look like I’m “just home with the kids,” my brain is running a full operation all day long.” – Lauren

“When they both need to be emotionally regulated. When they’re both crying at the same time and need to be held and listened to. I wish he could soothe like I can….but in a way I’m grateful for it, because that’s what moms do, but I wish he could understand how draining it is and how guilty I feel when I’m too tired for my other two children.” – Kelsie

“I was definitely the default parent, my husband just did not have the patience to take care of them. He did help when I asked for it but to be honest it was just easier for me to do everything. I didn’t mind it!” – Elizabeth

More twin parent confessions on being the default parent…

“My twins are a bit older, as the “default parent” I’d say the overstimulation that’s not considered. He had a go at me that things weren’t done around the house and he felt like he was always doing everything. My response was, ‘From 6am to 7.30pm, if I’m not at work, all I do is look after our kids, play with them, speak with them, organise them, create learning and development experiences with them. My entire day revolves around people talking at me, touching me, or asking me questions. If they’re not, it’s because I’ve locked myself in the garage to do the family washing, or dishes, or making lunch/breakfast/tea for kids. Then when they’re in bed, I need to finish the work I couldn’t while they were awake. So no, I’ve not cleaned bathrooms and helped with mini bits, or even helped choose what we’re having for tea, because I mentally and physically can’t.” – Rrach 

““Default parent” has little to do with having twins….I am the custodial parent of my twins and therefore solely parent, he’s the occasional vacation/fun guy…..doesnt matter that the kids are twins….same dynamic.” – Jill

“Mine are 8 months old and its been easy going as long as we stick to routine. The worst thing for me is when both are admitted into hospital and you have to split time between both.” – Hennie

“My brain will literally not let me stop to eat, go to the bathroom, or drink water if my twins need me. I will instinctively prioritize them until I am melting in hunger/thirst etc. Also, I am scaffolding in my head every step we have to do just to be at the family event by 3PM.” – Kari

Being the default parent feels like…

“Pure and utter exhaustion and loss of self. Even when you get a break, it’s never enough and very low reserve of patience. Then feeling beyond guilty for not having the patience and energy to be the mother you want to be…All while feeling time with your Littles is slipping by so quickly, and you can barely remember any of it.” – Nicole

“Knowing that when I leave my boys with their dad that he is overwhelmed so quickly and gets frustrated with them needing you to be full-on. I’m always worried about “will he leave them crying because he thinks they need to toughen up”, “will he get so overwhelmed he will yell at them”, “will he play with them or just put the tv on and fob them off”… the boys are 6months. Basically he doesn’t understand what the boys need and that they aren’t being purposely difficult at witching hour. The anxiety of this means I rarely leave them with him. I know I need to as he has to find his groove too!” – Holly

“The overpowering and overwhelming need to care for your crying children. It’s not just something you can turn off… if one of my babies is crying, not being able to consul them literally feels like I’m breaking into pieces. This might just be a mother and not a default parent thing.” – Jessica

Last but not least…

“Him going above and beyond is him helping with one of the babies, but my “break” is only having to take care of one baby while he’s helping. So his above and beyond is supposed to be my break. Two babies is exhausting!” – Elizabeth

“Breastfeeding for two.” – Hayleigh

“Desperately needing a day to myself but not asking for one because it’s too hard to be away from them for that long.” – Brie

“Overwhelmed and overstimulated are my new baseline. A good partner knows when to step in before I’ve reached my limit.” – Jessica

How “default parenting” affects the whole family

As licensed clinical psychologist and parenting expert Amber Thornton points out in this Psychology Today article, default parent syndrome can also impact the other parenting partner as well as the children involved. 

For the parenting partner, this can include a sense of disconnection with their partner/spouse as and underdeveloped parenting skills that can create conflict with their children. 

For the children, the major downside of there being a default parent includes lower quality relationships with the default parent (due to their burnout and frustration) and the other parent (due to having less contact with them). 

Needless to say, having a default parent doesn’t bode well for anyone involved. Yet, this is the reality for so many families—including families who have twins. 

So, what can be done to remedy this situation (which is an extension of systemic societal challenges for so many)?

Steps for dealing with the default parent dynamic

Here are some steps you can take to begin addressing the challenges of default parenting within your family dynamic:

1. Become aware that there is a default parent

You’re already doing that by reading this article and reflecting on your situation! If you feel your spouse or parenting partner is not yet in the awareness stage, you can bring up the issue to them. 

If you do so, it’s important to keep in mind that their level of awareness may be vastly different from your own. So make sure to root what you say in how you feel with all the responsibilities you have on your plate. 

If this feels like it will be a challenge, also realize you’re not alone. As mentioned earlier, the concept of there being a “default” parent stems from years and years of systemic inequities experienced by mothers and folks taking on the brunt of caregiving/domestic responsibilities. By speaking up and sharing your honest experience as a parent, you are contributing to necessary change. 

2. Get clear on what it looks like in your family dynamic

Similarly to the first step, this second step may feel overwhelming in some parenting relationships, especially since much of the load that the default parent takes on is intangible. 

That said, there are some tools you can lean on to make this process feel smoother and less like finger-pointing. 

This website includes helpful tools and spreadsheets for discussing and action-planning around the mental load of parenthood. The Making the Invisible Visible guide is particularly helpful for this step. 

Discussing your challenges with a licensed therapist, social worker, or other mental health professional can be helpful as well. 

3. Come together as a parenting team to discuss your values and create a shared vision 

Once you and your parenting partner are on the same page with how things have been going, it’s important to establish how you’d both like for things to operate moving forward. 

This will most likely look like a sit-down conversation with each other as well as individual reflection. 

You can consider reflecting on the following questions as a starting point:

• How has each parent felt about the parenting situation lately? Is this in line with how you want to feel?
• What’s the ideal vision for the family’s dynamic? For your parenting relationship?
• What opportunities can help bring in additional support to ensure both parents’ needs are honored? What would that look like?

Being honest with each other and willing to listen without judgment is key for this step!

4. Create small, incremental goals to being making meaningful changes

When coming up with goals, keep in mind that trying to completely overhaul everything at once may feel overwhelming and backfire. So it’s best to take small steps that you can measure and then build from there!

Again, this website includes some helpful tools for this, including a Fair Play Spreadsheet and Time Equity Spreadsheet.  

5. Keep track of your progress and check in to reassess your goals

This step is critical for ensuring that both parenting partners continue to hold to the shared vision. Making time to check in with each other regularly (at least monthly) is important for continuing to be on the same page. 

Finding ways to celebrate your progress as a team can be really supportive as well! This can look like acknowledging how certain parenting situations used to feel versus what they feel like now. It could look like writing each other thoughtful notes or sending thoughtful texts related to your progress as a team. Maybe even a fun date night!

Note: The above suggestions are adapted from the 5 steps that licensed clinical psychologist Amber Thornton shares here. 

Final thoughts on being the default parent with twins

Whether you’re reading this as the default parent or as the other parent, there’s no judgment. Either way, you’re not alone–even though it may feel like that in the midst of twin parenting chaos. 

What’s important is that after becoming aware that the default parent dynamic exists in your family, that you and your parenting partner do something about it. For your own sake, for your relationship’s sake, and for your kids’ sake. 

Want to read more twin parenting articles about marriage, parenting, and the mental load? Check out these articles too:

• The Mental Load That No One Warns You About
• Getting on the Same Page With Conflicting Parenting Styles
• Keeping Your Marriage Strong With Twins: Advice for Twin Parents

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