Dealing with Parent Preference: When Your Twins Favor One Parent Over the Other

Parent preference can create extra stress, heartbreak, and overwhelm in the household. Inside this Twiniversity Podcast episode, Nat and Nicole discuss ways to navigate those challenging seasons of your twin(s) preferring one parent over the other.

When you put your absolute all into parenting everyday, it can feel like a crushing blow when one or both of the twins only wants your parenting partner. Especially when you are the one who grew them inside your body for all those months.

If this has been your experience at any point so far as a twin parent, you’re not alone!

In this episode of the Twiniversity Podcast, Natalie chats with Nicole Kernan—a full-time working mom and now a twin mom to 2.5-year-old fraternal girls Ollie and Lou.

At the time of the recording, Nicole found herself quietly struggling with parent preference. Her one twin bonded more with Dad.

Watch the full episode here or keep reading for some of the biggest takeaways from their conversation!

Takeaway 1: Parent preference is incredibly common, and it’s usually a “person” preference

Nicole shares that she rarely experienced another mom talk about a child preferring Dad over Mom. So of course, she assumed something was wrong.

But the truth is, there’s nothing wrong with this, and it’s not necessarily something you can control. It’s also very common—even if you don’t hear other parents talking about it all the time.

As Nat points out, little kids tend to latch onto a particular person. And that person can be a parent, a grandparent, a nanny, or even the UPS guy (for real!).

Sometimes you may realize the characteristic that draws the child to that person. Other times, it may be harder to pinpoint. It could be their cadence of a voice,a smell, or a steady temperament that says “that’s my person.”

Need some twin parent friends? Get the support you need with a Twiniversity Membership. Benefits include a monthly twin parent club meeting on Zoom, access to a private Facebook group just for twin parents, and a video library of twin parenting lessons. Visit Twiniversity.com/membership to join today!

Takeaway 2: The “preferred” parent can flip overnight

Early on, Nicole’s twin daughter Ollie preferred Dad. Then, right around the girls’ second birthday after Nicole left a high-stress catering career, the tides turned.

Around the time of that job change, Ollie gravitated to Nicole more, while Lou moved into a Dad phase.

A good analogy to wrap our heads around these changes is that parent preference is more like weather and less like climate. Whoever is “chosen” today may not be chosen next season, so try not to build a whole identity around a phase. And if it’s hard not to take it to heart, realize that it’s only a season and it will eventually pass.

Takeaway 3: Don’t force it. But don’t let the preferred parent “rescue” either.

The dynamics of having an obvious preferred parent within the home can make for some tricky moments.

Nicole shares that when Lou refuses to let her lift her out of the crib, forcing it just escalates everyone. So the strategy she landed on (backed by a lot of late-night research) is this: if she’s asking for Dad, let Dad do it. At the same time, Dad doesn’t come swooping in immediately to save the day mid-moment.

That balance keeps Mom present and connected without turning every hard moment into a fresh rejection. Of course, this takes some extra communication between the two parenting partners. But being on the same page can make navigating these challenging moments feel less overwhelming and combative.

TWin Sleep School — **Want to prepare for solid twin sleep habits before your duo makes their grand debut? Or need help with getting your twins (newborn through potty training years) to sleep better?** Get inside of Twin Sleep School to access 60+ on-demand modules created by twin expert Natalie Diaz and The Sleep Lady, Kim West.

Takeaway 4: Trade “them” for “we”

The specific words we use to refer to each other within a family unit matter. Try to go with “us” and “we” language whenever possible.

Turn important moments like story time, bath time, or bed time routines into “we” moments. Like “we’re going to read,” and “we’re a team.” This can help relieve some of the sting for the parent who may normally feel like they’re on the outside.

Nat shares this helpful framing for the non-preferred parent: you and your partner are one unit the kids are choosing, not two teams competing for a prize.

Takeaway 5: The way parents carry the load differently

Nat shares an important story that illustrates how certain parenting partners carry the mental load of parenting differently. If you’re the “default” parent, a seemingly simple observation can actually cause a lot of mental stress.

Nat calls to mind seeing a single orange left on the counter. To her, it isn’t just an orange. It’s a lunchbox that didn’t get packed, a sibling who’ll eat theirs in front of the other, a hangry pickup, and a derailed afternoon. But to her husband, that husband is just an orange.

This isn’t to say that either perspective is right or wrong. But from a parenting perspective, some individuals are wired differently. Naming that gap out loud is important. Acknowledging the load, helps partners understand why the preferred parent sees: “I get sweet time with my girl” while the other sees fifteen steps down the road.

Twiniversity tip: If you can relate to being the default parent, check out this article! It has helpful tips on what you can do to make things more equitable in your home.

Takeaway 6: Be fair, not equal

Trying to split time with each parent or with each twin to the exact minute is a fast track to failure and guilt. So aim for fairness instead.

Think: “I’m going to spend some time with Lou — do you want to come?” If the other twins says no, that’s okay. You offered the opportunity; you were fair.

Takeaway 7: Stop chasing “winning.” There isn’t a win to get

When Nicole finally got Lou to want her lap at story time, Ollie melted down. And then things collapsed from there. If you’ve been facing similar meltdown moments, realize that there are few arrangements where two toddlers are equally happy at the exact same second.

So try to release any stress about winning or achieving in parenthood. You’re already doing your best, there’s no need to add any more external expectations or pressure to your load. And in those tricky moments, remind yourself: This is just today. Today is temporary.

Takeaway 8: Awareness is the whole game

Nat closes with a reassuring point for a parent terrified of the future: the parents whose kids weaponize preference into the teen years are usually the ones who checked out and took the path of least resistance.

Nicole is the opposite. She’s aware, and she’s trying her best to adapt her language and build in one-on-one time. That awareness, Nat promises, means the scary future simply isn’t hers. It still may feel hurtful in some moments where your child chooses the other parent. But over the years and throughout all the seasons, the way you show how you care is everything.