Does It Matter How Much You Prepare for Twins? A Twin Parent’s Honest Answer

When you’re preparing for twins (or any baby for that matter), sometimes there are some things you simply cannot fully prepare for. Check out this podcast episode summary for a deep dive into what life is really like once the twins are here.

In this episode of the Twiniversity Podcast, Nat sits down with Eli Banks, a twin parent in rural Kentucky and now a member of the Twiniversity team.

Nat met Eli back during their pregnancy, sitting in a picture-perfect nursery, doing more preparation than almost any twin family Nat had ever taught.

They were mapping out routes to the barn, counting the steps off the porch, planning how to feed the animals with two newborns, and researching every high chair and baby spoon on earth.

Then the babies came.

And Eli found themselves on the living room floor in the middle of a Twiniversity virtual meeting, crying so hard that typing a four-digit passcode to enter the Zoom felt impossible.

This episode is the perfect example of how sometimes the bravest thing a twin parent can say out loud is “I need help.”

Watch the full episode here or keep reading below for the biggest takeaways.

Takeaway 1: You can do everything right and still not be ready

Eli is self-admittedly an epically prepared person—almost to a fault. Elie and their husband Parker became pregnant with twins after fertility treatments and a miscarriage. So when the fourth round of IVF finally took, they planned like their lives depended on it.

They read the books, did the research, prepped the nursery, and stocked up with the perfect gear. Eli’s honest verdict? It was all worth it at the time because it helped them feel as prepared as they could. And also, almost none of those things mattered once the twins were actually here.

Nat says the same thing to her postpartum clients: you can read everything and talk to everyone. And still, nothing can quite prepare you for the moment two babies are handed to you.

Takeaway 2: Preparing is not wasted

Eli doesn’t regret doing all that prep work because in the end, it created a sense of calm. It provided a sense of control during a complicated pregnancy.

That is what preparation is really for. It’s not a guarantee that things will go your way; it’s a way to breathe while you wait. When reality hit during the postpartum days, what actually carried Eli through was instinct and the supportive people around her.

Takeaway 3: The shiny version and the falling-apart version are often the same parent

Nat describes the Eli of pregnancy as an adorable Campbell’s Soup commercial, and the Eli of month three on the living room floor as the first one on the hot mess express.

Eli names why that gap exists: we put on our best face for people we admire and for the people we want approval from. So many parents begin doing that even before the babies arrive. Feelings of guilt and shame in parenthood can be very powerful.

So if what you’re allowing others to see on the outside doesn’t match how you feel inside right now, know that you’re not alone. And you’re not failing. And it’s okay to tell the truth about how you’re feeling.

Takeaway 4: Sometimes the hard part starts before the babies do

Eli’s pregnancy was picture-perfect until it wasn’t. Around the end of the second trimester, they developed severe cholestasis. It was actually the worst case her hospital said they had seen. And then preeclampsia kicked in.

Eli was hospitalized, and a specialist even told them to prepared for the possibility of losing at least one baby. Eli was unable to sleep for two night. And Parker, a physician who had delivered babies himself, began sliding into depression before the twins were even born.

This isn’t to say that all twin pregnancies turn to the dark side. But for many, twin pregnancy can turn on a dime, and the emotional injury can start well before delivery day.

Takeaway 5: The hospital piece can quietly break you

The babies arrived at 36 weeks and 1 day and went straight to the NICU. There was no chance for skin-to-skin or separate rooms. Eli’s things had been moved into the mommy-and-baby suite before the scheduled C-section.

But because the babies were taken to the NICU after the C-section, Eli was rolled back into triage instead. For five days, Eli stayed there away from their newborn daughters.

If you’re reading this while pregnant, know that this is a moment worth asking about in advance.

Takeaway 6: Eight months is a long time to hold it alone

Eli had the thing they had wanted more than anything in the world, and they couldn’t feel the joy of it when it was here.

Eli describes making spaghetti for her daughters at around six and a half months, looking down, and being surprised to discover a plate of spaghetti they did not remember making.

That was the moment they knew something was wrong. They were missing out on the thing they had waited years for. And still, Eli wouldn’t break down in front of anyone for eight months.

Takeaway 7: Getting better looked like therapy, couples counseling, and a nanny

What actually turned it around was not a product or a hack. Eli and Parker each started individual counseling and also went to couples counseling together.

And the single biggest practical help, the one they were most resistant to accepting, was hiring a nanny. Eli is honest about why it was hard: they have lived a fairly isolated life, and they wanted so badly to be the best parent—the smiling one who does it all with ease.

After getting support, Eli realizes it’s okay to still be figuring out what a great parent is. But they do know one thing: a great parent asks for help when they need it.

Takeaway 8: “Take care of yourself” is not help

Eli points at the phrase every struggling parent has heard, usually from someone well-meaning: “Oh mama, you have to take care of yourself.”

It sounds supportive, but it’s genuinely unhelpful. What’s worse is when we start saying it to ourselves without having a plan for actually getting support. What Eli really needed in those challenging moments was for someone else to admit how ugly it can get. And how hard it can be.

She compares it to a scene from Desperate Housewives where a mom finally falls apart in public and the other moms circle up with their own confessions, and she says, “If I had known, it would not have gotten this bad.”

Takeaway 9: Ugly and beautiful live in the same season

Admitting that some aspects of the journey into twin parenthood were awful doesn’t erase the good. Both can and do exist.

Eli remembers the pool of light that came through the window around four in the evening and how they would let the girls play in it while they sat on the couch and watched.

You are allowed to say “I wanted this, I love this, and it also sucks sometimes, and I need help.”

Takeaway 10: Not everyone will get it, and that is not a verdict on you

At a family dinner, Eli admitted they were struggling and again got the take-care-of-yourself line. Eli now understands that those people are not living the same journey, and they lack the capacity to understand it.

The invalidation—whether it’s well-meaning or not—gets exhausting. Eli’s practice now is to stop seeking validation in places that cannot give it. And to go to therapy, talk to a close friend, and reflect inward instead. Eli wants their twin daughters to be able to find validation in themselves, so they are practicing it first as a model.