Lessons Learned from 24 Years of Raising Twin Boys

Inside this article, twin mom Amanda shares her journey and lessons learned while raising twin boys for 24 years. Read on for her biggest takeaways or listen to her full episode on the Twiniversity Podcast.

What would you tell yourself if you could go back to the hardest year of raising your twins—and what would you refuse to apologize for?

In this episode of the Twiniversity Podcast, Natalie talks with Amanda, a mom of fraternal twin boys who are now grown men.

One of her sons is autistic, diagnosed almost 24 years ago, back when the word barely came up unless a child was profoundly affected.

Amanda is not a specialist or a coach. She’s a woman who found out at 23 that she was carrying twins, dropped out of college, lost her own mother while the boys were babies, and raised two boys mostly on her own instinct and a library card.

Now that Amanda is on far on the other side of those early years with twins, she can finally say which parts mattered, which parts she would do differently, and which parts she spent years worrying about for nothing.

Read along for the biggest takeaways from Amanda’s episode or watch the full episode here. Whether your twins are two weeks old, two years old, or old enough to argue with you, there is a nugget of wisdom here for you.

Takeaway 1: “I have a baby with two hearts?” The surprise nobody prepares you for

When Amanda first learned she was having twins, she was 23, in college, working full time, and on birth control.

She felt inexplicably exhausted, took a test, and because her cycle was irregular, the doctor sent her straight for an ultrasound. When the tech found a second heartbeat, her first thought wasn’t twins, it was that she had one baby with two hearts.

Nat has heard that exact reaction from twin parents for years, and it says something true: the brain reaches for any explanation before it reaches for two. If your twin news landed as shock rather than joy, you are in enormous company.

when did you find out it was twins? — Read the article!

Takeaway 2: Fraternal twins doesn’t mean “slightly different”

Amanda’s twin boys share a birthday and a set of parents and not much else. One has brown hair and brown eyes, the other blond hair and blue eyes; one is 6’3” and one is 6’0”. Through all of high school, nobody knew they were brothers.

Nat shares that her twins are the same way. Expecting your twins to match is one of the fastest ways to feel like something went wrong when nothing did.

Takeaway 3: The plan you had is allowed to change completely

Amanda dropped out of school because her body simply couldn’t do pregnancy, work, and class at once. She and her boyfriend married, and they made a hard call: put the money into his degree, not hers, because she had two babies to grow.

Amanda doesn’t rehash this reality as a tragedy or a sacrifice she is bitter about. It was arithmetic. Twin pregnancy reorders your priorities whether you consent to it or not, and choosing the version of the plan that keeps everyone standing is not giving up.

Takeaway 4: Trust your gut

Amanda noticed early that her one twin boy was a wiggler. She had to move to his own crib for safety, and around crawling she started thinking, something here is a little different.

She told her pediatrician, and the doctor took it seriously and recommended she start therapy with him. That diagnosis came at a time when autism was barely understood outside its most severe presentations.

Having a same-age sibling gives twin parents a baseline most parents never get. Sometimes it can feel like you’re comparing or being paranoid when one twin is moving at a different pace. But sometimes, it’s also data worth looking into.

Takeaway 5: The thought you had at 3 a.m. does not make you a bad parent

Amanda’s boys were colicky and screamed constantly, and one night she looked at her husband and said they should give the babies up for adoption. And in that moment, she meant it.

Nat had her own version of this while in the NICU, mentally looking up Catholic charities. Both of them came out the other side and adored their kids by morning.

The lesson here is that many parents will have a breakdown moment like this, and almost nobody says it. But the shame of thinking you are the only one is heavier than the thought itself.

If you are having thoughts like this and they are not lifting, that is worth telling your doctor or midwife about. You are not broken. Postpartum therapy and support for twin parents is real and it can help immensely.

when to see a therapist as a twin parent

Takeaway 6: Finding other twin parents is not a luxury

Sadly, Amanda never found a twin mom circle in the early years. She had a couple of older coworkers with grown twins who would tell her she would be fine, and neighbors with singletons who were kind but who didn’t really get it.

Meanwhile, Nat had a thriving Manhattan twins club and, before that, two other twin families whose babies were placed beside hers in the NICU—women she’s still friends with today.

When you have twins, finding other twin parents to bond with isn’t only a luxury, it’s an act of self care and love. Because really, you’re not looking for advice, you’re looking for people who won’t be alarmed by your life.

Need some twin parent friends? Get the support you need with a Twiniversity Membership. Benefits include a monthly twin parent club meeting on Zoom, access to a private Facebook group just for twin parents, and a video library of twin parenting lessons. Visit Twiniversity.com/membership to join today!

Takeaway 7: Twins are alone less which is neat, but time apart is essential

Amanda’s daughter once said she wished she had a friend with her all the time. That thought stopped Amanda cold because her boys had never once had to want that.

Twins grow up with a built-in person, which means they also grow up without the practice of being alone. (Or at least much less alone time.) It’s not better or worse than the singleton experience; it’s just a different starting point.

But after all these years, not giving her twins enough time apart is one of Amanda’s honest regrets. She kept the boys in the same class and the same school throughout their formative years. She also turned down the school’s suggestion that her autistic son move somewhere better equipped for him.

Looking back, she wonders whether her other twin boy struggled socially because his primary communication partner was a brother who didn’t speak until kindergarten. She is careful to add the other side: maybe that closeness is exactly why her other son grew up so empathetic. The lesson here is that at the end of the day, you won’t know which call is the “best” one in the moment. All you can do is the best you can at any given time.

whether or not to separate twins at school

Takeaway 8: Consistency is the thing that actually held

When asked how she stayed patient, Amanda admits she had no strategy and no self-care routine to report.

What she had while raising twin boys was a schedule: baths, stories, bed by 9:00, over and over. It never quite worked exactly the way she wanted it to, except it kind of did.

Her younger son still takes himself to bed at 9:00, even on New Year’s Eve, because that routine became a source of comfort. Familiarity settles anyone on the spectrum, and honestly, it settles most of the rest of us too.

Takeaway 9: You will get some things right

Nat asked Amanda the million dollar question: What do you think you got right? The top three things Amanda landed on were: patience, caring, and presence.

Cell phones were brand new when her boys were small and she pushed back hard when they came out. Instead she opted for: look up, look around, pay attention to your world, have a face-to-face relationship with the people in front of you.

Got twins? Us too! The Twiniversity Podcast with Natalie Diaz was created BY parents of twins FOR parents of twins, from your pregnancy days through your twin’s teenage years, this podcast covers it all. It’s all about parenting twins, offering plenty of strategies for making life better, parenting hacks, and, of course, humor. We are laughing WITH you every step of the way.

Where are Amanda’s twin boys now?

After raising twin boys for over two decades, here’s what Amanda’s twin boys are up to now and what her life looks like.

One son works full time and goes to school full time. The other lives at home, doesn’t work, continues therapy, and struggles with panic and sensory overload. In Amanda’s words, he’s a wonderful, kind guy everybody loves the moment they meet him.

Amanda has asked her other son directly whether he would look after his brother if something happened to her, and he said yes without hesitation.

Nat shares that her twin boy is already making plans to take care of his sister if needed (even though nobody asked him to do that). For some twins, they will always worry about each other. It starts younger than you think, and it doesn’t stop.