How to Handle a Threenager

Last updated on August 4th, 2023 at 08:37 am

Question: How do you know if one or both of your twins is a “threenager”?

Answer: If at any point you look at your sweet little three year old child and picture a 15 or 16 year old version of said child doing something very similar, then you probably have a “threenager”!

Disclaimer: These are just some of my observations of some teenager attitudes and behaviors from years of teaching as well as some of my own former 16 year old self (not proud of it, just being honest). This is not true of every teenager or every three year old.

Our kiddos have both shown glimpses (or some days full on) threenager attitudes and behavior. One twin is the independent child, always wanting to do things herself her way. Many of the things she says sounds eerily similar to a 16 year who wants to choose what she wears and when she has to go home. Granted her arguments are over Minnie Mouse t-shirts vs. Paw Patrol and whether we can stay at the park for another hour not! I’ll take these arguments for now!

Our other twin currently is more of the emotional threenager asking why isn’t she getting your undivided attention immediately and whenever she needs it, and bursting into tears for no clear reason. Three year olds can be challenging on their own, but when you have two in “threenager mode” at the same time- whew!

To figure out how to best handle these challenging situations I’ve tried to give you some possible solutions.

Meltdown over wardrobe choices (or lack of)

Possible solutions: We try to pick out our outfits the night before and hang them in a set spot in their room. We talk about the weather and what choices we do have for clothing. (ie: You have to wear long sleeves and pants but you can wear any of these tops in this pile.) I’ve also tried to hide clothes that are not in season, or not for daily wear. I learned this the hard way after getting into way too many arguments about why she can’t wear her flower girl dress to go to the park. Out of sight (usually) out of mind. We also try to get dressed before we come downstairs. Slightly sleepy twins=fewer arguments about clothing choices in our house!

I don’t want to go to __________/I don’t want to go home

Possible solution: Plan ahead, and give lots of warnings. I feel like I’m either a good 15 minutes early or 30 minutes late. There is no “on time” option for us. It’s probably because we start the “getting ready” preparations WAY before we have to do so or we risk being so late we miss said event altogether. I’ve been burned way too times by wardrobe choice meltdowns (before our night before prep system), a 20 minute hunt for a left shoe only to find out they don’t actually want to wear those shoes after all. Hair styling dilemmas, potty training (either refusal to go try OR having to go AGAIN once shoes/coats/hats/seatbelts are all on!), or just pure distraction by anything that isn’t involved in getting ready to go. The more time we have, the smoother things go and there’s less risk of a mommy meltdown. Two threenager meltdowns at once are likely to trigger a Mommy meltdown!

I think is say “5 more minutes” hundreds of times a day. “5 more minutes until we have to leave, please go get your ___________.” Even though we actually have 20 minutes, sayings “5 more minutes” seems to be more effective. Once they learn to tell time, I’m going to lose that Mommy Bluff! The same seems to work for when it’s time leave. I start the “until we have to leave” countdown again WAY early. “Ok kids, we have about 20 more minutes until we have to leave.” Then the “clock” moves on Mommy time. If I want to stay longer those 20 minutes may last an hour, but if the kiddos are behaving badly we might go from 20 to 5 in only a few minutes.

I strongly disagree with your choice, Mom/Dad

Possible solutions:

Option 1: Give two choices that both work for you. “I’ll make macaroni or grilled cheese for dinner.”

Option 2: Pick your choice, stand firm and watch for the oncoming meltdown so you can send the “threenager” to cool off. I’ve become the master at making them think they got a choice when really Mom and Dad have already decided. When that doesn’t work, meltdowns seem to resolve a lot faster when we can stop them in the early stages. Taking on a full on threenager meltdown is exhausting! (Two at once, and you should be immediately rewarded with a glass of wine or a nap or both!) When I see the meltdown coming I try to send them to cool off. The rules of “cooling off” are that we get to send them, but they can come back as soon as they can talk calmly (without crying) and be understood. Usually our one daughter leaves sobbing, completely incoherent and comes back within five minutes smiling and says “I’m happy now!”

Sobbing uncontrollably for no clear reason

Possible solution: Hug/Snuggle Combo combined with optional (but highly suggested) cool off. See above for “cool off” rules. Some of the time there’s a clear problem and a solution. Maybe her sister has imaginary purple fairy dust and won’t share it, so we make more imaginary fairy dust for the sad twin. Some times it is something unfixable. She’s upset because the sky is blue and she likes when there are clouds. Sometimes a hug and then some space to calm down is all that is needed.

Hoping some of these solutions still work when the twins are actually teenagers, though it may be Mommy that needs the “snuggle and cool down option”!

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