Last updated on September 30th, 2021 at 10:18 am
I think it is safe to say we have all been there: It’s a quiet Sunday morning, birds are singing, breakfast is almost made, everyone is up. I am taking a rare moment to relax on the couch as our boy/girl twins, Liam and Keira, play seemingly happy with a variety of toys they have dragged into the family room from their playroom. As I settle in and consider what the day’s chores will involve, all heck breaks loose. Keira has grabbed a mini Iron Man from Liam and is holding it out of his reach as he yells at her, crying, as well as emitting what can only be described as threatening three-year old dialog as he tries to reach Keira. For her part, Keira is laughing as she torments her little (by 11 minutes…) brother, confident in her strategy. That is, until Liam pushes her into the couch, one-handed, and retrieves his valued toy. One would think the situation now resolved but then one would be mistaken as Keira dissolves into a fit of crying of her own, rushing to me to tell on Liam for pushing her down… despite the fact that I have witnessed the entire exchange…
Sound familiar?
While power struggles between kids are certainly not a new thing and go on in any household that has kids, these scenes are nowhere better illustrated than between twins. Being roughly the same height, definitely the same age, and having access to all the same toys and accoutrements (and I include Mommy and Daddy as “accoutrements”), the daily struggle for dominance, well, dominates. How does one deal with this regular and generally unavoidable aspect of being a parent?
It comes down, I believe, to the temperament of each parent and what they determine to be an acceptable approach to dispensing justice. Because, really, when it comes right down to it, we – as parents – are essentially relegated to the part of judge and jury in these instances. However, that said, my approach might not work for you and vice versa. In our house, for example, one approach is the Good Cop/Bad Cop scenario. Someone has to be the Bad Cop and dole out penalties for fouls. While the agreement is to take turns with this role, it’s amazing how often I seem to be the one handling it. In the above-noted instance, both Keira and Liam must understand that neither of the noted actions was “good”. Justice must be equal, after all, right? After Bad Cop has removed the item at the center of the conflict and chastised both offenders, Good Cop swoops in with hugs and soft words to soothe fragile egos. Not exactly fair to whoever happens to land the Bad Cop role in that moment, but fairly effective at getting events resolved with relatively minimal additional tearshed (versus bloodshed, which I think we can all agree we wish to have the little gladiators avoid at all costs, right?). Good Cop/Bad Cop is actually the approach more often taken when intervention fails for one reason or another.
Intervention is what I feel to be the most effective means to alleviate power struggles. The key to successful intervention is distraction. Much like Dug the Dog and his relationship with squirrels in the animated movie “Up” (“He is a good and smart master and he made me this collar so that I may talk – SQUIRREL!!”), kids are rather easily distracted…if you catch the problem before it becomes necessary to employ Good Cop/Bad Cop.
Distraction, more often than not, involves turning the focus of one twin to something else while also lifting the item/toy at the center of the conflict and giving it back to the other. This can be done, but one must be precise and deft of hand or certain doom could result. Congratulations…you just bought yourself maybe an hour. One must always be vigilant in order to utilize Intervention and Distraction and we all know that simply does not work each and every time.
For the most extreme cases, the removal of one twin from the room may become necessary. But unless your plan also includes duct tape, this is not a lasting solution. If the conflict is over an item, one could always simply remove it altogether. I have to admit that I employ this option quite a bit but it can come at a steep cost when both offenders decide to aim their displeasure at you by screaming for the next half hour. It’s a risk, but what’s life without a little risk, hmmm?
These events become even more complicated when additional, older siblings are involved, even worse when they are the cause of the conflict. Then Bad Cop/Bad Cop may become the only option left, with timeouts sentenced all around (or naptime). If the need for immediate action was not necessary, one could actually be entertained watching the pecking order of the Mini Me set play out as it will often reflect what is commonly known as The Law of the Jungle. Believe it or not, there are some occasions where all will resolve their differences on their own. Pretty interesting to observe as it usually entails intense negotiation not seen since the hey day of the Teamsters. I count those days as “wins” because they do not involve me either raising my voice (sometimes a tool when employing Good Cop/Bad Cop, I must admit being, as we are, a loud Irish family…) or coming up with some sort of creative distraction.
Power struggles occur. There is no way to avoid them. One will always be first to the door, or locked in their car seat, or have their shoes on first, or get to a certain toy first…if they don’t rip it out of the other’s hands. The need for one-upmanship just comes naturally to them. Take a deep breath, pick the approach that works best for you, and remember that you have a bottle of wine in the fridge that will make this all better after they are tucked away safely in their beds…
Sean Patrick Thompson lives in the Central Valley of Northern California and is father to boy/girl twins Keira and Liam and their older brother Devlin as well as being married to his lovely wife Amy for 8 years. He currently works in Silicon Valley as a Technical Writer/Editor and has previously written music and band review articles for The Examiner and other blog sites. Having twins has provided a unique perspective on fatherhood for him and he hopes that sharing this helps other men – both experienced and expecting – to feel more comfortable and have more fun in their roles as dads of multiples.
