My husband and I have been making the joke that one of our twins didn’t get the memo that she is a twin for years. And after consulting with other parents of multiples, I discovered that this is a common problem. So, I decided it was time to distribute another memo to remind her what is acceptable twin behavior. Feel free to use it for your twin that didn’t get the memo.
To: The Twin Who Didn’t Get the First Memo
From: Management (Your Parents)
Subject: You are a twin.
It has come to management’s attention that one of our twins didn’t thoroughly read the previous memo regarding the fact that she is indeed a twin and should act accordingly. Recent behavior can be most accurately described as that of an only child and further continuation of these actions could result in management losing their mind. Such behavior includes, but is not limited to, monopolizing mom’s lap and dad’s arms, hoarding toys not currently being played with, and stealing food out of the other twin’s mouth (yes, mouth).
While every child is due their equal share of attention, demands for more than is possible with only one set of parents have gotten out of hand. Requests to be held instead of riding in the grocery cart and watched while pooping will no longer be entertained. We are also familiar with tactics being used to distract management from paying attention to the other twin, and training classes have been established to increase management’s ability to ignore tantrums and meltdowns associated with these tactics.
We understand that it is impossible to stop these only-child tendencies cold turkey, so if you could reserve this behavior for time spent at our satellite offices run by upper management (your grandparents), that would be greatly appreciated. Their resources are less depleted, and they are better equipped to handle said behavior for short periods of time. You’ll find you also have easier access to coping mechanisms, such as cookies and fruit snacks, to help you through this difficult change.
Any displeasure regarding this request will only be addressed if submitted in the correct format. Whining, flailing, violent outbursts, etc. will no longer be acknowledged as formal complaints and, therefore, cannot be processed through human resources.
We appreciate your cooperation in this matter and look forward to parenting you and your siblings through childhood and beyond.
Management (Your Loving Parents)
To: Management (My Parents)
From: The twin that doesn’t care about memos
Subject: I am a twin. So what?
It has come to my attention that two memos were recently distributed in an attempt to thwart all only-child behavior in the office. Between plotting ways to sabotage my own potty training success and creating new excuses for why I can’t walk when it’s time to pick up my mess, I haven’t had much free time for reading memos. But seeing as management won’t let this go, I decided to, as management so often says to me, “Do whatever you want me to do, because I just can’t deal anymore,” and read the memos.
Upon reading, I have to say that I am a bit confused as to what the issue is. Mom’s lap is squishy and soft and practically shouting for an occupant, and Dad loves to carry heavy stuff around all the time. In addition, I watch management poop daily; I am only asking for the same courtesy in return. As for any concerns that my twin is feeling neglected, you can rest assured that she and I worked out a deal years ago. I get all the attention, and she is left to do as she pleases while management is occupied. She also has exclusive access to the easy-going twin card, so she’s fine. Trust me.
I understand that management is “losing their mind,” but that is no excuse to drag upper management (grandparents) into this. Time spent at satellite offices is sacred and has nothing to do with this office. Anything that happens there is in addition to, not instead of, what happens here. If there is any extra eating of cookies and fruit snacks, it will be in celebration of my victory, not as a coping mechanism for defeat.
As for the requirement of formal complaints regarding this policy change, consider this my first and last. Future complaints will be issued using previous methods of communication seeing as they tend to be more effective and less likely to be open to interpretation.
I appreciate your attempt at creating a more peaceful environment, but I politely decline. I will create the most beneficial environment for me, and I look forward to driving management even further into madness in my attempt to do so.
The Twin That Doesn’t Care About Memos
P.S. No amount of tantrum training will prepare you for the wrath I have planned if this new policy is put into place. This has been your final warning.
Mandy Roussel is mom to three girls, two of which are twins. When she’s not writing about mom life, she can be found watching too much reality tv, dance partying with her girls, and laughing at/with her husband. You can find more of Mandy’s musings on her blog and on Facebook.