I’m The Mom Who Didn’t Want Twins

I’m The Mom Who Didn’t Want Twins

I am that mom that didn’t want twins. Not something you usually hear from a woman who went through infertility treatments. Throughout our four years of treatment that included multiple heart-breaking losses, we always dreamed of our one healthy baby. So imagine my surprise when we actually saw two little heartbeats. There were no thoughts of how cute our babies would look in matching outfits, or how fun it was going to be having two babies or how we might even come up with fun matching names. Instead, it was the instant overwhelming fear of how we were going to pay $400 weekly for daycare. How could my body carry two babies with medical issues? How premature would they be? Would they even make it to viability? Would our jobs allow us time away until our preemies were home from the NICU? How annoying would it be to have people coming up to us everywhere and asking if they were twins? A simple errand might turn into an hour-long trip because people are staring and commenting about your children. Of course also wanting to know if they were natural or because of treatments. How would we sleep at night when trying to calm two screaming babies? As cute as this idea was for so many people, I did not want to be a mom of twins. How are we going to give two babies the same love and attention? Can our marriage last through the stress of multiples? Would I personally be able to handle the demand of two little humans and all of their needs? As cute and exciting as the idea of twins was for so many people, I did not want to be a mom of twins.

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We stressed, and we stressed some more during most of my pregnancy. In the back of my mind I often wondered if both babies would even make it. I was high risk and also advanced maternal age, along with a long list of other health issues that were all connected with our problems getting and staying pregnant in the first place. I can go on and on about the things that happened through the pregnancy itself, but many of you who have carried twins are very familiar with the things that can go wrong. Each week that would pass, I would try to allow myself to get excited, but it was so hard to give up control and just hope things would work out physically and financially. I remember seeing so many people that were expecting twins saying things like, “Oh we are getting a bigger vehicle, or a bigger house.” In our reality, that wasn’t an option. We were still paying for treatments to get pregnant. Everyone I spoke to voiced their excitement and expected me to be over the moon, but that was not the case. I remember telling my husband that anyone who purposely wants twins is crazy. I vividly remember feeling like a horrible person for feeling this way. Four years, four long years we longed for a child and now we were blessed with two and I felt like it was a burden. Don’t get me wrong, I loved these babies growing inside of me. I listened to their little heartbeats on my doppler all the time to make sure they were still with me and during the pregnancy I loved them and I wanted them. I still don’t regret on getting on the whole “let’s have twins” boat.

My girls are now 18 months old. I have so many pictures of them dressed alike with cute little bows in their hair or wearing matching outfits. Anytime I am in public, I find myself answering questions to perfect strangers. I guess I still don’t get the fascination with twins. In the instance when I run into other parents of multiples, we can always look at each other and not say a word because we already know how they feel. We already know the struggle and more than anything we know the dedication they have.

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Even though I didn’t want to have twins, I am the mom who does have twins. It is true that everything comes in doubles. Double the love, double the exhaustion, double the sleep deprivation. Most importantly, something I never realized is I am double the mom. My body gave me two little beautiful creatures that love me beyond measure. I get twice the sloppy kisses, twice the slobbery fingers in my mouth, twice the hugs and twice the love. And I still have a loving and supporting husband who is an extraordinary dad to our girls. I couldn’t even imagine doing this without his 100% support and hands on attitude.

So like I said, I am the mom who didn’t want twins, but now I am the mom who has twins. There is not one thing I would change. We did make big sacrifices in our lives to make it work and I hope that my two girls always know how much we love them and how much joy they bring to my life.

Untitled design (73)Tonisha Rapp lives in Oklahoma City with her husband Al, and singleton daughter Cierra and twins Grace and Olivia. She has two dogs, two cats and is employed with an oil company as a landman. You can follow her blog here

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